Asking Permission to Get Married
On September 13, “The Bachelorette Canada” premieres on W Network. The American show, “The Bachelorette” has been a popular mainstay of summer television for a number of years. The premise is simple. A group of men compete for the hand of a single woman. Each week, the bachelorette narrows the field until there is just one left. The men and woman go on dates, sometimes one-on-one, sometimes as a group, to explore the local culture and get to know each other. It’s anticipated that the final date will be a proposal, but no one really knows for sure until the end. During the final episode of the U.S. version of “The Bachelorette” that just aired, one big storyline was that of the men asking the bachelorette’s dad for permission to marry his daughter.
JoJo was this season’s bachelorette. She had expected a proposal during her season on “The Bachelor,” but it was not to be. She was then given the opportunity to be the star of her own season, and viewers saw her go through many dates around the world finally narrowing her choices to Jordan and Robby. When the two men met the parents (on separate days), they each had discussions about the importance of JoJo’s family and how much JoJo wanted her parents to approve of her future husband. Robby did talk to JoJo’s father and ask his permission to ask JoJo to marry him. Jordan did not. Robby was ready to propose to JoJo, but she did not give him the opportunity. When she finally met with Jordan, the discussion revolved around how disappointed she was that he never got her father’s permission to propose to her. He made a call and talked to her father, then proposed. JoJo said yes.
Do Adults Need Parental Permission to Get Engaged?
In days past, a woman was considered the property of her father. When she married, her father would lose her work toward the household duties. She would be required to get her father’s permission to marry. For centuries, women were not allowed to own property themselves and they almost always needed a patriarchal figure. Fortunately, this has begun to change over the years, and there are no such limitations. “The Bachelorette” reminded Americans of this custom and many people wonder if a woman really needs permission to get engaged or to get married.
JoJo is an adult who was fairly established in her career and life’s path. She made it clear to Jordan that the tradition was important to her, but not because she was subject to her parents. This is a valid point. She also communicated her needs to Jordan very clearly so that he understood how much it meant to her. It seemed to be about family, not the permission. She wanted her family included in her decision.
Many women today aren’t as traditional. Family is complicated and complex. Today’s brides might have absentee dads or moms. What’s a groom to do when there isn’t a dad? What should a same-sex couple do when asking parents for permission? Which person asks permission if two women are being married? How should a groom act if the bride is much older, with children of her own or with deceased parents? How are you to know if you should ask permission before you get engaged? And, what are you going to do if the parents say no, should you ask?
The Solution?
When two people are considering marriage, it’s important to talk about what’s important to each person. Communication of your expectations is the only way to know what you should do. The tradition may seem outdated in today’s society, but it’s not necessarily about patriarchal permission. Before you take steps to propose, ask your partner about his or her thoughts. Then proceed accordingly.
